2011

I will lead a happier life this year. I don't want to be the person that I was in 2009 & 2010 any longer.

I give up.

I give up on trying to have anything for myself. As much as I love my children, my life is centered around them and that is pretty much it. I try to take a little time and enjoy something that makes me happy yet doing so is filled with a baby that doesn't know the word no and is into everything and a 4 year old that wants to be with me every waking second. I go out MAYBE once a month. I don't have any money so whatever I do end up doing has to be cheap. I have one friend that I go out with and she is my cousin. I have no prospects for love. The one man that I do talk to is just my friend and if something does come out of it, it won't be for a long time. But still, I long for a little attention from someone and its not there. I am tired of looking online and never getting out of the house to really put myself out there. I hate that my ex can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I hate that he got to go to the Kentucky Derby while I was at home in dirty clothes with our children using me as a jungle gym. I hate that gets to see his friends. Why can't I have those things every so often? I don't think it is selfish of me to want that every now and then.

If you think I am whining or bitching about it and not doing something about it, then try walking in my shoes for a while. Then, go fuck yourself.

Hypocrite much?

This post isn't really intended for anyone in particular. But, I haven't posted in a while, so its time for me to vent again. LOL!

So whats the deal guys? You will fuck a fat chick, you say you love the curves and plus sized women are amazing. So why the hell is it that you won't be seen in public with us? Why are we good enough to have sex with but not good enough to date? If you can't deal with the fact that your friends may give you hell because of you being with a fat girl, then maybe you need to look inside yourself and see where your insecurities lie. Maybe they secretly want a fat girl too, but are too chicken-shit to admit it. Don't worry about them, worry about you.

Stagnate.

So, nothing much new to report. My BFF did go into rehab, but I honestly think it won't do him any good and he will fall right back into the habits he was in before. If he wants to make an effort to reconnect with me, I will. But, I can't put forth the effort anymore. I have done what I can. The ball is in his court.

I know I have bitched about it before so, be aware that I am about to bitch about it again.

I am so fucking over being lonely. I am over hooking up. I am over misreading signals. I just want someone to be straight with me and to think of me. I want someone to give a damn about how I feel in my heart and not how it feels to have their cock in me. I love sex. I LOVE IT! But damn, I love just having a warm body next to me. Someone to talk to and someone that will woo me. I hate this stagnate feeling. I am a fucking awesome person. What does it take to find someone awesome too and can see that I am worthy?

Ch ch ch changes

You know that poem by Robert Frost 'The Road Not Taken,' "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." I feel like this is where I am at in my life. I am making the changes and taking the unfamiliar path and trying to make that difference. I think this is my awakening. Unfortunately, at this very moment, my best friend is taking the same road he has been down many times before. But, this time the people that love him and want to support him are not taking that journey with him. It is time for him to make a change in his life and take the less beaten path; to get sober, to get healthy, mentally and physically and to save his life so that he can have a chance of saving his relationships. His girlfriend loves him but can't stay with him if he is drinking. He can't manipulate the people closest to him anymore and his reality is smacking him in the face. He is going to jail for a period of time, he is being evicted, he was fired from his job, kicked out of school and his credit cards are maxed out. What the hell is stopping him from making that change except his selfish mind and his addictions? Is holding on to someone you love worth making them and yourself miserable if you refuse to stop drinking? He is going to wake up one day and no one will be there and he will either try to find someone else he can manipulate to take care of him or he will get his shit together, get help and be the man he needs to be for firstly, himself and secondly for the people that love him. I can only do so much but I will not be his enabler. I love him too much to watch himself self destruct.

6 years, 3 months, 2 days

Why couldn't you be man enough to fight for us; for your family? You just gave up. Instead of sticking it out, you bailed.

We had our problems but people have been through so much more and made it through. Why couldn't we have at least tried?

I miss my family. I miss my husband. I miss you.

Take Tomorrow - Butch Walker

You got lost, For a while.
You've been trying to find a smile.
You got stood up, then you fell down,
and when you needed , there was no one around.
You loved the previews but hate the movie.
You scream at the screen, "Something move me!"
before you start to fade away.

Give me all your fear, Throw it all away.
think about the good things, no matter what they say,
we'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
one day at a time.

You just stare into space,
you found love but it got erased,
you're on the road with all the stoplights,
and you're too afraid to turn the wrong from right.
You ate your soul and it made ya fat,
starve yourself from everything else that makes you completely full.
So give me all your fear, throw it all away.
Think about the good things, no matter what they say.
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
one day at a time.

So you run, so you hide,
and you watched as they die,
they all fell, you could fall too,
or you could sew your wings and try to fly right through.

Give me all your fear, throw it all away.
Think about the good things, no matter what they say.
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
One day at a time.
One day at a time.