2010

Can it get here fast enough?

I am so ready to get the ball rolling for the upcoming year. I will be starting school again to become a Pharmacy Tech and I am incredibly excited. My divorce will be final sometime in January and the child support will be going through the courts. I will no longer have to remind him every two weeks to send the money. I am ready for a fresh start and possibly meeting someone new. I know love still exists and I know there is someone out there for me. Its not going to be my top priority because I know God has a plan for me. I believe he wants me to be happy and I truly believe that things happen for a reason. I will have a good outlook this year and I will take what comes at me and make it through.

We all survived the week long visit with their dad. Annabelle has had some emotional stress since she has been back, but I think that is about over with now. I stopped nursing accept twice at night and I hope to whittle that down over the next couple of weeks. We had a nice laid back Christmas this year. It was the quietest Christmas Eve I think I have ever had. I got a Wii for Christmas and ordered the Wii Fit Plus with the balance board today. I am excited and I really hope I make myself use it. I am ready to get this weight off and a hell of a lot faster than last time. I ordered Evie an iCarly game for it as well. I hope she likes it.

Lonely Christmas

Yesterday the girls left to spend seven days with their father and there is already drama involving his mom. I have again been made out to be this horrible, spiteful person. I shouldn't let it get to me, but I do. But, they are my children and I am doing things according to the divorce papers and what he & I agreed to. I will always be the bad guy and I will never be able to please them. I should really learn to deal with that and accept that my relationship with them is over.

I wish I could just go up there and get them and never let them go again. Anna is having to wean abruptly and I feel so bad for her. She is so used to nursing on demand. I just hate that she will have a hard time. I know they don't care how I feel and they are pissed that they aren't in control of the situation. I feel like a broken record. There is nothing I can do to ever please them. All I can do is keep the best interest of my children in mind. They seem to just care about what they want and how they have been wronged.

Worst Christmas ever.

The holidays kind of suck

Like a lot of people, I tend to get into a funk during the holiday season. Its not that I don't like Christmas, but it just seems to bring on a whole set of emotions and activities each year that I don't have to deal with the other 11 or so months. It seems to be about pleasing everyone else and it doesn't seem as magical as it used to be. Its definitely nowhere near as fun as it was when I was married. I don't have anything really special to look forward to this year. The girls will wake up Christmas morning at their father's house and I will get them later in the day. I wish I had someone to wake up with to enjoy the morning with. It feels like that may never happen again. I want my girls with me, but I also want someone else to share it with as well.

I had a 'date' Friday. I believe it went really well. We talked and laughed and flirted. There were promises of future dates and there was a great kiss at the end. Then, nothing. The guy has his phone surgically attached to his hand to text yet, none of my texts were returned. Last Sunday I was stood up and have had no communication hence forth. I don't understand why people will forgo basic common courtesy and and just be honest. Life isn't worth all of the silly little games that people play. I want to spend my time with someone having fun and getting to know each other, not wondering if he is going to call or text or like me when we meet. I am too old for games. But, I guess we put up with shit like that because we don't want to be alone.

Thanksgiving?

Sunday was Annabelle's birthday celebration and all of my friends bailed on me. Luckily I have a big family. It was nice that there was only 12-15 of us. Not too big & not too small. Anna fell asleep right before we were to give her her cake to smoosh, so we let her power nap. The night ended on a good note.

The next morning, I was awoken to my daughter saying that my mom needed me quick. I jumped out of bed to see my mom coming up the driveway with my cat dead in her arms. The bastard dogs in the neighborhood were running in a pack and came into our yard and killed my sweet Tonks. I so despise irresponsible pet owners. Upon my insistence, the dogs have been or will be soon, all removed from the neighborhood. My heart is broken. My sweet girl didn't deserve to go out so violently. What if that was one of my human children? It may seem silly, but I had her cremated and they had her ashes back to me in a sweet little urn in less than 24 hours. She loved nibbling on curly ribbon so I tied some around the little vessel that now holds the softest, floofiest, most demanding fat fatty Tonky Toodle that I have had the privilege of knowing. I was her human momma. I got to see her being born and I held her as the life drifted from her sweet, two different colored eyes. Her momma Wink and twin sissy Monte miss her too. I have been letting Wink sleep with me at night now. Before we had to keep the door closed because Tonks would come in & wake Annabelle. Now, the house seems so quiet.

Thanksgiving was nice and gluttonous. I braved Toys R' Us at midnight on Black Friday then after sleep, I made the trek to Target. I pretty much have all of my shopping for the girls done. I just need to get a few small things & I will be set.

Monday the girls go back to their dad's. I have to do some serious cleaning and Christmas time preparations. I think I might even have a date. Who knows? Its a bit scary to think about getting back in the game.

1 year old

The girls had their first visit with their father last week. I almost hate to say that it was a nice little break. But, at the same time, I felt sad when he told me they were just fine. Annabelle went 2 whole days without nursing. I know she was cranky and that she missed me even though they said otherwise. The two days every other week is manageable, but what about when she goes for a week at a time. I guess my reality is quickly approaching; I am going to have to wean her soon. I want to but at the same time I don't. I never got to do this with Evie and it is so precious. But, she will have to eventually spend extended periods of time away from me. I hate being torn.

Tomorrow is her official birthday party. I feel sad for her that she didn't get the birthday & celebration that her sister did. She is an amazing little girl so I have tried to go all out for her party, with what little funds I have. She will not remember, but I will. I want her to know that she was surrounded by her loved ones just as her sister was at her first birthday.

Day One

We have had a very trying 6 months. My ex husband was trying to take the girls away from me and told me that I could be a weekend mom. There was no way I was not going to fight for my girls. My world had come crashing down and I had to keep it together for them, though, I did have my moments of weakness. I cried a lot, but now that I know the three of us are together and with no threat of him trying to take them with no reason, my days of crying are surely coming to an end. I have mourned the last I will mourn for my marriage dying. This is my new beginning and I will do what it takes to make sure my girls have a happy & fulfilling life. I will be honest about the divorce and why my last name is different and I will no longer make excuses for or pick up their father's slack. I think the hardest part for me is that will have to let them see him fail. I have always saved him and I simply cannot do that anymore. He makes a lot of empty promises and it was my job to follow through. I know we can make it. It will be hard work, but I unfortunately come from a long line of single mothers that worked their butts off and made it through. I will carry on the tradition. I just hope it stops with me and that the girls will find someone good that will be with them forever.

New Beginnings?

As of yesterday my husband became unemployed. He devoted his entire adult life and half of his childhood to being a journalist, writer, editor, and all around news hound. So, for his time and dedication he was let go because there is no money. Granted, the paper he worked for never really made much of a profit because it was free. Not to mention, the current CEO is a moron and doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. But, I digress. So, he will be payed 2 more times, have 10 days severance pay and 5 paid vacation days. After that he can file for unemployment or hopefully find something else. I will be looking to work as well. We are educated people, I know one of us can find a job to help support us.

He had become disenchanted with the newspaper business quite some time ago. The paper he worked for was always a "it's who you know" chain of command. The CEO's son got to sleep at his desk and made far more than anyone there. Yet, my husband worked his ass of and took shit from all sides and barely kept his head above water. We are thinking a career change is in the near future for him. Perhaps he can go into teaching; he is super smart. I have faith that he will come out of this a better person, father, husband & human being.

More than likely we will have to do a short sale of our house and either move in with his mom or with my parents. Both are in different cities. It's funny... this job brought us to Nashville and now it is sending us away. Since being in this city we have had 2 beautiful daughters, made some amazing friends and experienced things we never would have back home. But, I never felt like Nashville was home. So, its safe to say that I can leave it behind and take my memories and contact info for my friends. I will visit often, but I can't say I will ever move back.

I have no regrets and I am very proud of my husband. He is an amazing person and I know that he will come out ahead and that shitty little paper will flounder. *just a little bitter*