Ch ch ch changes

You know that poem by Robert Frost 'The Road Not Taken,' "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." I feel like this is where I am at in my life. I am making the changes and taking the unfamiliar path and trying to make that difference. I think this is my awakening. Unfortunately, at this very moment, my best friend is taking the same road he has been down many times before. But, this time the people that love him and want to support him are not taking that journey with him. It is time for him to make a change in his life and take the less beaten path; to get sober, to get healthy, mentally and physically and to save his life so that he can have a chance of saving his relationships. His girlfriend loves him but can't stay with him if he is drinking. He can't manipulate the people closest to him anymore and his reality is smacking him in the face. He is going to jail for a period of time, he is being evicted, he was fired from his job, kicked out of school and his credit cards are maxed out. What the hell is stopping him from making that change except his selfish mind and his addictions? Is holding on to someone you love worth making them and yourself miserable if you refuse to stop drinking? He is going to wake up one day and no one will be there and he will either try to find someone else he can manipulate to take care of him or he will get his shit together, get help and be the man he needs to be for firstly, himself and secondly for the people that love him. I can only do so much but I will not be his enabler. I love him too much to watch himself self destruct.

6 years, 3 months, 2 days

Why couldn't you be man enough to fight for us; for your family? You just gave up. Instead of sticking it out, you bailed.

We had our problems but people have been through so much more and made it through. Why couldn't we have at least tried?

I miss my family. I miss my husband. I miss you.

Take Tomorrow - Butch Walker

You got lost, For a while.
You've been trying to find a smile.
You got stood up, then you fell down,
and when you needed , there was no one around.
You loved the previews but hate the movie.
You scream at the screen, "Something move me!"
before you start to fade away.

Give me all your fear, Throw it all away.
think about the good things, no matter what they say,
we'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
one day at a time.

You just stare into space,
you found love but it got erased,
you're on the road with all the stoplights,
and you're too afraid to turn the wrong from right.
You ate your soul and it made ya fat,
starve yourself from everything else that makes you completely full.
So give me all your fear, throw it all away.
Think about the good things, no matter what they say.
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
one day at a time.

So you run, so you hide,
and you watched as they die,
they all fell, you could fall too,
or you could sew your wings and try to fly right through.

Give me all your fear, throw it all away.
Think about the good things, no matter what they say.
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
One day at a time.
One day at a time.

Maybe it's just me

Maybe I just need to stop trying so hard. I feel like the ones that I invest my time and energy into, are the ones that shit on me the quickest or the most frequently. Am I a glutton for punishment? I have gone back to the one that I always seem to gravitate to. The one that is a known liar. Will I ever learn? Probably not. The nice one just didn't do it for me. He was in fact, too wimpy and I don't think he would have stood up for me or defended my honor if it came down to it. So, I seek out the boisterous one that would kick someone's ass if I simply asked or he saw that I had been wronged. That is something I appreciate but am I willing to put up with the other stuff? Has he changed? Were we meant to be together? I am filled with so many questions right now and I know I should just sit back and let things happen naturally, but I have never been good at that. Can I do it this time around and hopefully not get my heart broken. I am rambling.

Dating or just casual sex?

Is there a happy medium between dating and casual sex? I want a boyfriend. I want good sex. I want a boyfriend that can give me good sex. I don't think that is too much to ask but finding both attributes seems to be posing the problem. I don't want to sleep around. I did that. I am over it. I would like to find someone that wants to date me for me and the good sex will just come naturally. But, I don't want to settle again. I shouldn't have to.

Maybe it is too soon but I just miss the connection. I miss laughing, kissing, holding hands, TALKING and just being myself with someone. I don't want to dump my baggage on anyone. I want to have some fun. I am single again. I am taking care of my kids, I am working on my education to get a good job, so I think I deserve some companionship.

I fell in the snow yesterday and my body is hurting all over. I need a good massage and a visit to the chiropractor. The girls come home Wednesday and Evie starts school on Thursday. I hope she likes it there. I think it will do her so much good to be with kids her age and to make new friends. I miss them but I know that their dad is happy that they can be with him on his birthday today.

School for me, school for her

There was a possible opening at the preschool I wanted to get Evie into and we got the call yesterday that it became open and she can start next week. I am so happy that she can get back into a school environment and make new friends.

I had my first two tests this week and think I did pretty dern good. So far everything is going well and I am glad I decided it to see it through. I have made a new friend and we have decided to start a study group with another classmate. Things are looking up for sure.

This weekend is the girls' dad's birthday so they are going to go there Friday and stay through Wednesday. Evie will start classes next Thursday to have one day then will start a 3 day week the following week. The girls will also start going to their dad's on the weekends so Evie won't miss any school. I look forward to being able to make friends on those weekends now. This weekend being no exception. It is my cousin Sherry's 45th birthday party and I am letting loose. Its going to be a fun time.

Internet Addict

Last night I got into a discussion with someone about school, life and how the particular school I go to is basically a waste of my time. He withdrew last week and it had me thinking, what the hell I am doing. He said the decision was for him but at the same time was undermining my decisions since we are/were in the same program. Anna woke up so I didn't get to finish the conversation. I came back to the computer to take my medicine before going to bed. A few minutes later, my dad came in and sat down and I knew it was going to bad.

He compared me to my brother when he was in the depth of his addiction to crack, except he said that I have an internet addiction. He told me that he didn't know what to do and that he has given up on me so I should just continue on the way that I am. My heart completely broke. I didn't know what to say. I turned off the computer, went to my room and began to sob. I woke Annabelle up so I had to rock her back to sleep in the living room. He then came back in there and wanted to talk more. I couldn't take it so he went to bed. I cried, I know for a good hour, trying to be as quiet as I could so that she would stay asleep. I was able to put her down and I couldn't sleep so I started to clean the living room. My mother came in to see what I was doing and asked what was wrong. So I told her and it started a good 2 hour talk between she & I. We talked about all of the stuff in my last post and surprisingly, it was a good talk. I felt better about our relationship but still hurt because I am a disappointment to my father now. I can never seem to get a head on anything. I will always feel 'not good enough' when it comes to my parents.

As I finally went to bed, Annabelle woke up again and wouldn't sleep. I took her back to the living room and again, cried while I tried to get her to sleep. By this time it was pushing four o'clock in the morning. Mom took over with Anna so I could get some sleep. I still had to take the girls to Athens to meet their dad in the morning. I got a few very bad hours of sleep and woke up again to crying.

Mom said that my dad feels horrible and was just sitting in the dark this morning and this evening when he got home from work. I had contemplated quitting school, going to work and saving some money to get my own place for me & the girls. Whatever it took to prove to them that I am capable. I may not be able to make them happy, but I can show them that I can do it on my own. I have decided to stay in school but still want to find my own place. I will have to get a part time job, maybe see if I qualify for a HUD voucher and find a place reasonably close by.

I know I can do it. I will get off the fucking computer and prove to them I am capable.