Hypocrite much?

This post isn't really intended for anyone in particular. But, I haven't posted in a while, so its time for me to vent again. LOL!

So whats the deal guys? You will fuck a fat chick, you say you love the curves and plus sized women are amazing. So why the hell is it that you won't be seen in public with us? Why are we good enough to have sex with but not good enough to date? If you can't deal with the fact that your friends may give you hell because of you being with a fat girl, then maybe you need to look inside yourself and see where your insecurities lie. Maybe they secretly want a fat girl too, but are too chicken-shit to admit it. Don't worry about them, worry about you.

Stagnate.

So, nothing much new to report. My BFF did go into rehab, but I honestly think it won't do him any good and he will fall right back into the habits he was in before. If he wants to make an effort to reconnect with me, I will. But, I can't put forth the effort anymore. I have done what I can. The ball is in his court.

I know I have bitched about it before so, be aware that I am about to bitch about it again.

I am so fucking over being lonely. I am over hooking up. I am over misreading signals. I just want someone to be straight with me and to think of me. I want someone to give a damn about how I feel in my heart and not how it feels to have their cock in me. I love sex. I LOVE IT! But damn, I love just having a warm body next to me. Someone to talk to and someone that will woo me. I hate this stagnate feeling. I am a fucking awesome person. What does it take to find someone awesome too and can see that I am worthy?

Ch ch ch changes

You know that poem by Robert Frost 'The Road Not Taken,' "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." I feel like this is where I am at in my life. I am making the changes and taking the unfamiliar path and trying to make that difference. I think this is my awakening. Unfortunately, at this very moment, my best friend is taking the same road he has been down many times before. But, this time the people that love him and want to support him are not taking that journey with him. It is time for him to make a change in his life and take the less beaten path; to get sober, to get healthy, mentally and physically and to save his life so that he can have a chance of saving his relationships. His girlfriend loves him but can't stay with him if he is drinking. He can't manipulate the people closest to him anymore and his reality is smacking him in the face. He is going to jail for a period of time, he is being evicted, he was fired from his job, kicked out of school and his credit cards are maxed out. What the hell is stopping him from making that change except his selfish mind and his addictions? Is holding on to someone you love worth making them and yourself miserable if you refuse to stop drinking? He is going to wake up one day and no one will be there and he will either try to find someone else he can manipulate to take care of him or he will get his shit together, get help and be the man he needs to be for firstly, himself and secondly for the people that love him. I can only do so much but I will not be his enabler. I love him too much to watch himself self destruct.

6 years, 3 months, 2 days

Why couldn't you be man enough to fight for us; for your family? You just gave up. Instead of sticking it out, you bailed.

We had our problems but people have been through so much more and made it through. Why couldn't we have at least tried?

I miss my family. I miss my husband. I miss you.

Take Tomorrow - Butch Walker

You got lost, For a while.
You've been trying to find a smile.
You got stood up, then you fell down,
and when you needed , there was no one around.
You loved the previews but hate the movie.
You scream at the screen, "Something move me!"
before you start to fade away.

Give me all your fear, Throw it all away.
think about the good things, no matter what they say,
we'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
one day at a time.

You just stare into space,
you found love but it got erased,
you're on the road with all the stoplights,
and you're too afraid to turn the wrong from right.
You ate your soul and it made ya fat,
starve yourself from everything else that makes you completely full.
So give me all your fear, throw it all away.
Think about the good things, no matter what they say.
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
one day at a time.

So you run, so you hide,
and you watched as they die,
they all fell, you could fall too,
or you could sew your wings and try to fly right through.

Give me all your fear, throw it all away.
Think about the good things, no matter what they say.
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
One day at a time.
One day at a time.

Maybe it's just me

Maybe I just need to stop trying so hard. I feel like the ones that I invest my time and energy into, are the ones that shit on me the quickest or the most frequently. Am I a glutton for punishment? I have gone back to the one that I always seem to gravitate to. The one that is a known liar. Will I ever learn? Probably not. The nice one just didn't do it for me. He was in fact, too wimpy and I don't think he would have stood up for me or defended my honor if it came down to it. So, I seek out the boisterous one that would kick someone's ass if I simply asked or he saw that I had been wronged. That is something I appreciate but am I willing to put up with the other stuff? Has he changed? Were we meant to be together? I am filled with so many questions right now and I know I should just sit back and let things happen naturally, but I have never been good at that. Can I do it this time around and hopefully not get my heart broken. I am rambling.

Dating or just casual sex?

Is there a happy medium between dating and casual sex? I want a boyfriend. I want good sex. I want a boyfriend that can give me good sex. I don't think that is too much to ask but finding both attributes seems to be posing the problem. I don't want to sleep around. I did that. I am over it. I would like to find someone that wants to date me for me and the good sex will just come naturally. But, I don't want to settle again. I shouldn't have to.

Maybe it is too soon but I just miss the connection. I miss laughing, kissing, holding hands, TALKING and just being myself with someone. I don't want to dump my baggage on anyone. I want to have some fun. I am single again. I am taking care of my kids, I am working on my education to get a good job, so I think I deserve some companionship.

I fell in the snow yesterday and my body is hurting all over. I need a good massage and a visit to the chiropractor. The girls come home Wednesday and Evie starts school on Thursday. I hope she likes it there. I think it will do her so much good to be with kids her age and to make new friends. I miss them but I know that their dad is happy that they can be with him on his birthday today.