Mothers

I have found that being a mother and living with my mother is a very difficult thing. My mother thinks she has to take care of everyone all of the time. This, of course, does not exclude my kids. She believes that they have suffered enough heartache and that they need to be doted on and have every whim taken care of. I didn't get this when I was a child from her so I tend to want and try to raise them differently. Its hard living in this house and being in school because my mom tends to do what she wants to and then when I say something I get, "I am trying to help you with them. I am trying to make things easier for you." But, every time I hear this, it tends to make me feel like I am not doing a good enough job. It also doesn't help that she points out what I SHOULD and NEED to do for them and what SHE believes will make them happier. When I voice my opinion or say anything, I am being mean and hurtful. I feel like I can't catch a break with her and every day I long for my own place so I can raise the girls the way I want to. She tells me to watch them and look after them like I am incapable yet she turns around and does it herself.

She doesn't want me to have a life. She doesn't want me to date AT ALL. She wants me to go to school, come home, do my motherly duties and that's it. She was a single mom that worked, refused help and fought for everything. She still has that drive in her and I admire that but she can't just sit back and let things happen. She can't see that if the girls don't get every whim catered to that they are still going to be fine. She has to constantly do and its going to end up killing her.

I know it is easy for me to sit back and let her take charge. I admit that I do it. But, I do not have her constant 'go-go-go' drive. She didn't raise me that way. I am not saying it is her fault by any means, but why does it have to be exactly the way she sees it? I feel I will never be good enough in her eyes. She hates my tattoos, the way I wear my hair or the clothes I wear and she is not shy about letting me know her opinions on those things. I never did drugs or drank (wherein both of my brothers are/were addicts) yet, I hear about how amazing their jobs are and how hard they work and how much money they make. I am 35, divorced, mother of 2 with no job and 2 degrees I don't use. I know I am a good person. I know that I am a good mother and yes, she tells me I am. But, why don't I feel the sincerity? Why don't I live up to her expectations? Will I ever make her happy? Again, she says I do, but I don't feel it.

Maybe I should just try to be the perfect daughter and mother and do everything she wants me to. Maybe then I can be the daughter she always wanted. Something tells me that even if I did that, I would never be the person she expected me to be. I was always the tomboy when she wanted a girly girl. I was the outspoken one when she wanted a quiet girl. I was the one that stuck out in the crowd when she wanted to blend in and not be noticed. I was never the daughter she thought she would get. I was the exact opposite and I have felt her disappointment since I was little. I don't know. Maybe that is what made me push back so hard. I always wanted her approval though. I just never could find the correct way to give it to her and I don't know if I ever will.