Last night I got into a discussion with someone about school, life and how the particular school I go to is basically a waste of my time. He withdrew last week and it had me thinking, what the hell I am doing. He said the decision was for him but at the same time was undermining my decisions since we are/were in the same program. Anna woke up so I didn't get to finish the conversation. I came back to the computer to take my medicine before going to bed. A few minutes later, my dad came in and sat down and I knew it was going to bad.
He compared me to my brother when he was in the depth of his addiction to crack, except he said that I have an internet addiction. He told me that he didn't know what to do and that he has given up on me so I should just continue on the way that I am. My heart completely broke. I didn't know what to say. I turned off the computer, went to my room and began to sob. I woke Annabelle up so I had to rock her back to sleep in the living room. He then came back in there and wanted to talk more. I couldn't take it so he went to bed. I cried, I know for a good hour, trying to be as quiet as I could so that she would stay asleep. I was able to put her down and I couldn't sleep so I started to clean the living room. My mother came in to see what I was doing and asked what was wrong. So I told her and it started a good 2 hour talk between she & I. We talked about all of the stuff in my last post and surprisingly, it was a good talk. I felt better about our relationship but still hurt because I am a disappointment to my father now. I can never seem to get a head on anything. I will always feel 'not good enough' when it comes to my parents.
As I finally went to bed, Annabelle woke up again and wouldn't sleep. I took her back to the living room and again, cried while I tried to get her to sleep. By this time it was pushing four o'clock in the morning. Mom took over with Anna so I could get some sleep. I still had to take the girls to Athens to meet their dad in the morning. I got a few very bad hours of sleep and woke up again to crying.
Mom said that my dad feels horrible and was just sitting in the dark this morning and this evening when he got home from work. I had contemplated quitting school, going to work and saving some money to get my own place for me & the girls. Whatever it took to prove to them that I am capable. I may not be able to make them happy, but I can show them that I can do it on my own. I have decided to stay in school but still want to find my own place. I will have to get a part time job, maybe see if I qualify for a HUD voucher and find a place reasonably close by.
I know I can do it. I will get off the fucking computer and prove to them I am capable.
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I decided to look up your blog because I was concerned about you after the last week. I guess I didn't expect a post about how I was 'undermining' your decisions in life by deciding that I had made the wrong decision for myself. I guess I shouldn't have been shocked, not after you had ended our friendship a week ago out of nowhere, came to apologize, and then once again blew me off because I had made a personal decision and chosen to do better for myself. Seeing a blog post start with how I was just undermining your decisions and making you doubt your choices by thinking for myself shouldn't have surprised me.
ReplyDeleteIt didn't matter to you that I might be a person with feelings, or that I might be confused as to why someone who claimed to be my friend would be so upset that I was doing what was best for me and my daughter and what would challenge me, or why they would be upset that I was leaving a school that I was not happy at. I "was always so negative" you said, yet the only thing I had done was express my dissatisfaction with the way people acted at the school, and state that I personally thought that I was not living up to my potential there, which I wasn't. Why should my decision affect your choice if you didn't already doubt that choice? It shouldn't, plain and simple.
I never said that you made a mistake by choosing that path, but that it wasn't the right path for me. Most everyone in my life agreed that I had more potential than I was giving myself credit for- My instructors at the school, my friends, even my ex-wife told me that I would not be satisfied by finishing the program and that I could do better. Maybe it shouldn't have hurt me that you couldn't be happy for my decision and that you could not think I was making a good decision for myself because you were too busy trying to blame me for any doubts you had about your own decision. Then again, maybe you're not who I thought you were either...
The program was not what was best for me, and I chose to cut my losses and pursue a degree that would better challenge me and a career that would be more rewarding for me. Again, my personal decision was my own, and it should not have affected your decisions, nor do you have any right or reason to accuse me of undermining you. I'm sorry if you now realize that everything I had told you about the school was true and if you are wondering if your decision was right like I had been.
You chose to enroll in that program before you had met me, and I had already considered leaving the program before you introduced yourself. My decision had nothing to do with you. At all. My decision did not undermine anything in your life. If you are having doubts, it's because you also are wondering if you could not have done something more rewarding and better-suited to your abilities. Take responsibility for your own doubts and problems; don't blame me for them- I already have an ex-wife that is filling that department quite well; thanks though.