I give up.

I give up on trying to have anything for myself. As much as I love my children, my life is centered around them and that is pretty much it. I try to take a little time and enjoy something that makes me happy yet doing so is filled with a baby that doesn't know the word no and is into everything and a 4 year old that wants to be with me every waking second. I go out MAYBE once a month. I don't have any money so whatever I do end up doing has to be cheap. I have one friend that I go out with and she is my cousin. I have no prospects for love. The one man that I do talk to is just my friend and if something does come out of it, it won't be for a long time. But still, I long for a little attention from someone and its not there. I am tired of looking online and never getting out of the house to really put myself out there. I hate that my ex can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I hate that he got to go to the Kentucky Derby while I was at home in dirty clothes with our children using me as a jungle gym. I hate that gets to see his friends. Why can't I have those things every so often? I don't think it is selfish of me to want that every now and then.

If you think I am whining or bitching about it and not doing something about it, then try walking in my shoes for a while. Then, go fuck yourself.

Hypocrite much?

This post isn't really intended for anyone in particular. But, I haven't posted in a while, so its time for me to vent again. LOL!

So whats the deal guys? You will fuck a fat chick, you say you love the curves and plus sized women are amazing. So why the hell is it that you won't be seen in public with us? Why are we good enough to have sex with but not good enough to date? If you can't deal with the fact that your friends may give you hell because of you being with a fat girl, then maybe you need to look inside yourself and see where your insecurities lie. Maybe they secretly want a fat girl too, but are too chicken-shit to admit it. Don't worry about them, worry about you.

Stagnate.

So, nothing much new to report. My BFF did go into rehab, but I honestly think it won't do him any good and he will fall right back into the habits he was in before. If he wants to make an effort to reconnect with me, I will. But, I can't put forth the effort anymore. I have done what I can. The ball is in his court.

I know I have bitched about it before so, be aware that I am about to bitch about it again.

I am so fucking over being lonely. I am over hooking up. I am over misreading signals. I just want someone to be straight with me and to think of me. I want someone to give a damn about how I feel in my heart and not how it feels to have their cock in me. I love sex. I LOVE IT! But damn, I love just having a warm body next to me. Someone to talk to and someone that will woo me. I hate this stagnate feeling. I am a fucking awesome person. What does it take to find someone awesome too and can see that I am worthy?

Ch ch ch changes

You know that poem by Robert Frost 'The Road Not Taken,' "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference." I feel like this is where I am at in my life. I am making the changes and taking the unfamiliar path and trying to make that difference. I think this is my awakening. Unfortunately, at this very moment, my best friend is taking the same road he has been down many times before. But, this time the people that love him and want to support him are not taking that journey with him. It is time for him to make a change in his life and take the less beaten path; to get sober, to get healthy, mentally and physically and to save his life so that he can have a chance of saving his relationships. His girlfriend loves him but can't stay with him if he is drinking. He can't manipulate the people closest to him anymore and his reality is smacking him in the face. He is going to jail for a period of time, he is being evicted, he was fired from his job, kicked out of school and his credit cards are maxed out. What the hell is stopping him from making that change except his selfish mind and his addictions? Is holding on to someone you love worth making them and yourself miserable if you refuse to stop drinking? He is going to wake up one day and no one will be there and he will either try to find someone else he can manipulate to take care of him or he will get his shit together, get help and be the man he needs to be for firstly, himself and secondly for the people that love him. I can only do so much but I will not be his enabler. I love him too much to watch himself self destruct.

6 years, 3 months, 2 days

Why couldn't you be man enough to fight for us; for your family? You just gave up. Instead of sticking it out, you bailed.

We had our problems but people have been through so much more and made it through. Why couldn't we have at least tried?

I miss my family. I miss my husband. I miss you.

Take Tomorrow - Butch Walker

You got lost, For a while.
You've been trying to find a smile.
You got stood up, then you fell down,
and when you needed , there was no one around.
You loved the previews but hate the movie.
You scream at the screen, "Something move me!"
before you start to fade away.

Give me all your fear, Throw it all away.
think about the good things, no matter what they say,
we'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
one day at a time.

You just stare into space,
you found love but it got erased,
you're on the road with all the stoplights,
and you're too afraid to turn the wrong from right.
You ate your soul and it made ya fat,
starve yourself from everything else that makes you completely full.
So give me all your fear, throw it all away.
Think about the good things, no matter what they say.
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
one day at a time.

So you run, so you hide,
and you watched as they die,
they all fell, you could fall too,
or you could sew your wings and try to fly right through.

Give me all your fear, throw it all away.
Think about the good things, no matter what they say.
We'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
One day at a time.
One day at a time.

Maybe it's just me

Maybe I just need to stop trying so hard. I feel like the ones that I invest my time and energy into, are the ones that shit on me the quickest or the most frequently. Am I a glutton for punishment? I have gone back to the one that I always seem to gravitate to. The one that is a known liar. Will I ever learn? Probably not. The nice one just didn't do it for me. He was in fact, too wimpy and I don't think he would have stood up for me or defended my honor if it came down to it. So, I seek out the boisterous one that would kick someone's ass if I simply asked or he saw that I had been wronged. That is something I appreciate but am I willing to put up with the other stuff? Has he changed? Were we meant to be together? I am filled with so many questions right now and I know I should just sit back and let things happen naturally, but I have never been good at that. Can I do it this time around and hopefully not get my heart broken. I am rambling.

Dating or just casual sex?

Is there a happy medium between dating and casual sex? I want a boyfriend. I want good sex. I want a boyfriend that can give me good sex. I don't think that is too much to ask but finding both attributes seems to be posing the problem. I don't want to sleep around. I did that. I am over it. I would like to find someone that wants to date me for me and the good sex will just come naturally. But, I don't want to settle again. I shouldn't have to.

Maybe it is too soon but I just miss the connection. I miss laughing, kissing, holding hands, TALKING and just being myself with someone. I don't want to dump my baggage on anyone. I want to have some fun. I am single again. I am taking care of my kids, I am working on my education to get a good job, so I think I deserve some companionship.

I fell in the snow yesterday and my body is hurting all over. I need a good massage and a visit to the chiropractor. The girls come home Wednesday and Evie starts school on Thursday. I hope she likes it there. I think it will do her so much good to be with kids her age and to make new friends. I miss them but I know that their dad is happy that they can be with him on his birthday today.

School for me, school for her

There was a possible opening at the preschool I wanted to get Evie into and we got the call yesterday that it became open and she can start next week. I am so happy that she can get back into a school environment and make new friends.

I had my first two tests this week and think I did pretty dern good. So far everything is going well and I am glad I decided it to see it through. I have made a new friend and we have decided to start a study group with another classmate. Things are looking up for sure.

This weekend is the girls' dad's birthday so they are going to go there Friday and stay through Wednesday. Evie will start classes next Thursday to have one day then will start a 3 day week the following week. The girls will also start going to their dad's on the weekends so Evie won't miss any school. I look forward to being able to make friends on those weekends now. This weekend being no exception. It is my cousin Sherry's 45th birthday party and I am letting loose. Its going to be a fun time.

Internet Addict

Last night I got into a discussion with someone about school, life and how the particular school I go to is basically a waste of my time. He withdrew last week and it had me thinking, what the hell I am doing. He said the decision was for him but at the same time was undermining my decisions since we are/were in the same program. Anna woke up so I didn't get to finish the conversation. I came back to the computer to take my medicine before going to bed. A few minutes later, my dad came in and sat down and I knew it was going to bad.

He compared me to my brother when he was in the depth of his addiction to crack, except he said that I have an internet addiction. He told me that he didn't know what to do and that he has given up on me so I should just continue on the way that I am. My heart completely broke. I didn't know what to say. I turned off the computer, went to my room and began to sob. I woke Annabelle up so I had to rock her back to sleep in the living room. He then came back in there and wanted to talk more. I couldn't take it so he went to bed. I cried, I know for a good hour, trying to be as quiet as I could so that she would stay asleep. I was able to put her down and I couldn't sleep so I started to clean the living room. My mother came in to see what I was doing and asked what was wrong. So I told her and it started a good 2 hour talk between she & I. We talked about all of the stuff in my last post and surprisingly, it was a good talk. I felt better about our relationship but still hurt because I am a disappointment to my father now. I can never seem to get a head on anything. I will always feel 'not good enough' when it comes to my parents.

As I finally went to bed, Annabelle woke up again and wouldn't sleep. I took her back to the living room and again, cried while I tried to get her to sleep. By this time it was pushing four o'clock in the morning. Mom took over with Anna so I could get some sleep. I still had to take the girls to Athens to meet their dad in the morning. I got a few very bad hours of sleep and woke up again to crying.

Mom said that my dad feels horrible and was just sitting in the dark this morning and this evening when he got home from work. I had contemplated quitting school, going to work and saving some money to get my own place for me & the girls. Whatever it took to prove to them that I am capable. I may not be able to make them happy, but I can show them that I can do it on my own. I have decided to stay in school but still want to find my own place. I will have to get a part time job, maybe see if I qualify for a HUD voucher and find a place reasonably close by.

I know I can do it. I will get off the fucking computer and prove to them I am capable.

Mothers

I have found that being a mother and living with my mother is a very difficult thing. My mother thinks she has to take care of everyone all of the time. This, of course, does not exclude my kids. She believes that they have suffered enough heartache and that they need to be doted on and have every whim taken care of. I didn't get this when I was a child from her so I tend to want and try to raise them differently. Its hard living in this house and being in school because my mom tends to do what she wants to and then when I say something I get, "I am trying to help you with them. I am trying to make things easier for you." But, every time I hear this, it tends to make me feel like I am not doing a good enough job. It also doesn't help that she points out what I SHOULD and NEED to do for them and what SHE believes will make them happier. When I voice my opinion or say anything, I am being mean and hurtful. I feel like I can't catch a break with her and every day I long for my own place so I can raise the girls the way I want to. She tells me to watch them and look after them like I am incapable yet she turns around and does it herself.

She doesn't want me to have a life. She doesn't want me to date AT ALL. She wants me to go to school, come home, do my motherly duties and that's it. She was a single mom that worked, refused help and fought for everything. She still has that drive in her and I admire that but she can't just sit back and let things happen. She can't see that if the girls don't get every whim catered to that they are still going to be fine. She has to constantly do and its going to end up killing her.

I know it is easy for me to sit back and let her take charge. I admit that I do it. But, I do not have her constant 'go-go-go' drive. She didn't raise me that way. I am not saying it is her fault by any means, but why does it have to be exactly the way she sees it? I feel I will never be good enough in her eyes. She hates my tattoos, the way I wear my hair or the clothes I wear and she is not shy about letting me know her opinions on those things. I never did drugs or drank (wherein both of my brothers are/were addicts) yet, I hear about how amazing their jobs are and how hard they work and how much money they make. I am 35, divorced, mother of 2 with no job and 2 degrees I don't use. I know I am a good person. I know that I am a good mother and yes, she tells me I am. But, why don't I feel the sincerity? Why don't I live up to her expectations? Will I ever make her happy? Again, she says I do, but I don't feel it.

Maybe I should just try to be the perfect daughter and mother and do everything she wants me to. Maybe then I can be the daughter she always wanted. Something tells me that even if I did that, I would never be the person she expected me to be. I was always the tomboy when she wanted a girly girl. I was the outspoken one when she wanted a quiet girl. I was the one that stuck out in the crowd when she wanted to blend in and not be noticed. I was never the daughter she thought she would get. I was the exact opposite and I have felt her disappointment since I was little. I don't know. Maybe that is what made me push back so hard. I always wanted her approval though. I just never could find the correct way to give it to her and I don't know if I ever will.

School

So school has started and I believe it is going to be a love hate relationship. I think I am going to enjoy my course and most of the classes but the other students I could do without. I don't think many of them take things seriously. I just think that teachers deserve a certain amount of respect and so far, I haven't seen a lot of that.

My luck in relationships is proving to be... meh. I don't know how to describe it so I have decided to just be friends. I can't commit emotions to anyone right now when I can't even figure out where on the map my emotions are. I am still grieving my marriage and the break up of MY family. I don't think my heart is ready for any kind of substitution or rebound relationship. I just really hate being alone. So, good friends, good company and good times is what I will have and I will leave the emotions (other than friendship) out of it.

Tomorrow is my last day of school for the week. I have 10 more to go for this quarter. I think I can make it. And, I hopefully can make all A's by then.

Twenty-Ten

The first of the new year and new decade is upon us. So far my girls have had their first visit with their father, I have gotten my books & schedule to start classes on the 11th and I have already been to the clinic for a sinus infection and the emergency room for a sprained wrist. Nothing is going to knock me down this year. I am taking everything head on.

My love life is kind of a different story. It's a little confusing but nice to have the attention at the same time. I am interested in more than one person... 3 to be exact and they all have really great attributes to offer. They are all flawed as well, which is good. It just makes it harder to figure out. I want to get serious, but am making myself not commit. I also do not want to hurt anyone or give anyone false hope. I could see a possible future with all three. But, that future is definitely a long, long, LONG way off. I am also the queen of saying one thing and doing another.

I am however, very excited to start classes and getting back into the swing of things. I love learning. I just have to get used to getting up early again. Classes at 8:30 are going to kill me the first week or so, but I know I can do it. I just have to change my ways and NOT stay up half the night. One of my goals this year is to get the girls and myself on a schedule and stick to it. We need more structure and I am hoping that me being in school will help with that.

My other goals for 2010 are (in no particular order)
* Sing Karaoke
* lose this damn weight / use the Wii fit
* make that schedule and stick to it
* get tattooed
* do well in school
* do new things - go out, meet people, try something different
* have fun!