I give up.

I give up on trying to have anything for myself. As much as I love my children, my life is centered around them and that is pretty much it. I try to take a little time and enjoy something that makes me happy yet doing so is filled with a baby that doesn't know the word no and is into everything and a 4 year old that wants to be with me every waking second. I go out MAYBE once a month. I don't have any money so whatever I do end up doing has to be cheap. I have one friend that I go out with and she is my cousin. I have no prospects for love. The one man that I do talk to is just my friend and if something does come out of it, it won't be for a long time. But still, I long for a little attention from someone and its not there. I am tired of looking online and never getting out of the house to really put myself out there. I hate that my ex can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I hate that he got to go to the Kentucky Derby while I was at home in dirty clothes with our children using me as a jungle gym. I hate that gets to see his friends. Why can't I have those things every so often? I don't think it is selfish of me to want that every now and then.

If you think I am whining or bitching about it and not doing something about it, then try walking in my shoes for a while. Then, go fuck yourself.